Sometimes I feel my mood swings like the moon’s gravitational pull on the Earth causing the tides to wax and wane at various points of the day. Sometimes it settles in whenever I feel I have a million things to do, and I want to do it all at once to maximize my efficiency. 

This weekend, I was in a really good mood. My boyfriend Kevin came to visit me in Hamilton. We hadn’t seen each other for two weeks - which is a huge contrast to seeing him everyday, almost all day lol during the summer. Usually the cycle begins with me being excited on thursday evening because he comes on Friday, Friday he comes I’m happy, Saturday night I realize he’s leaving on Sunday. Sunday he leaves.  I’m miserable.

It sounds as every bit pathetic as I put it. But I guess its true what they say - long distance gets easier to do. I remember being extremely anxious about not seeing him for three days in a row over the weekend. Now, two weeks we spent apart. I only had a mild panic attack for about an hour (hour long) before he left today. 

After rolling around in bed being upset for an hour. I just got up, “manned” it up, and decided to practise this “I am better than this” attitude which I’ve been trying to develop all week. After all, I’ve been having such a good weekend, why end it off on a bad note when it didn’t have to? We went to dinner, and waited for his bus to come, of which it was one hour late. In that hour, I sat on the bus curb huddled up to him, his arm around me, and my head leaning on his shoulder. We talked, joked, sang, and we were being really ridiculous. Everytime he threw his head back and laughed I kept looking around paranoid that people would be judgemental. 

 

After saying goodbye, I was just, really content. I read a book to keep myself occupied for the 15 minute walk home. Now I’m looking forward to an entire week of working on myself, spending time on my own, and maybe next week (which is Thanksgiving for us Canadians) I’ll see him again.

I used to have an irrational fear of being alone. Whether I was single, or in a relationship. Maybe I’d end up alone? It was apparent that if I stick with Kevin, or even if we didn’t end up together. I think I’d be content with myself. 

The self-loathing that led to a perpetual depression, an eating disorder feels like its disappeared. Instead of concentrating on how lonely I felt, I feel like I have so much more to look forward to. A good book to read, friends to hang out with - even if I don’t have him by my side all the time. I’m not completely self-sufficient, but I feel like I’m getting there.

Dear readers/diary/whatever,

I came across a situation that really made me wonder whether I’ve lost touch with my academic side. I’ve spent the past two years, wondering whether the only thing I was ever good at, was school. My people skills, my social skills - being largely inadequate when I was asking myself those questions were causing a huge conflict with my self-esteem.

Now it feels like the tables have turned. I’m very in touch with speaking in front of people, giving presentations, relating to others, being more compassionate and understand, and being more than just a machine that could spew out numbers and problem-solve like mad. But did that come at a cost? 

I had a friend sit down with me today and just explain concepts for a test I have this Saturday. I don’t know if its because being a university student means I get less sleep, less time to study, worrying about tons more things than I used to in high school. Such as when I’m going to need my next meal. I think I’ve lost sight of the reason why I’m here pursuing a post-secondary education - its to learn. I’m think I’m so caught up sometimes in being in a relationship, making sure my friends don’t hate me, extra-curriculars (which aren’t a bad thing — but too many may consume you). that I’ve really lost my love for learning. When my friend was explaining concepts to me, I felt like I was really struggling. With this first year course that I’m taking. RIDICULOUS! I’m sure I would have been able to get this, no problem, fresh out of high school. Did I lose that edge?

I know as human beings, as people in general. We are always seeking ways to improve ourselves, to become better people. Maybe I was focusing really hard on getting better socially and emotionally, and not so much academically. In fact, I’m almost positive thats the case. 

*hits self with book*

How do you fix something like that, without making sacrifices to the other thing? Really, must I choose between academics and a social life? Can’t I do both and be one of those amazing people that can do everything? Maybe thats one goal I can work on.

Anyway, back to studying for this test.